


Who Is Robert Sugden

by mylatestobssession



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mostly Canon Compliant, canon dead people, everything that has happened will be mentioned, mentions of child abuse, most villagers will be at least referenced too, nobody new dies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9106033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylatestobssession/pseuds/mylatestobssession
Summary: It is often the smallest things that cause us to break.kind of au where Robert seeks professional help.





	1. I'm Fine

Most people would agree that the word fine was grossly misused. Everyone knew it was the word you use when someone asks you how you are and you don't want to tell them the truth. Robert was no exception to this rule. It had been three weeks since the crash and everything was getting back to normal. Aaron seemed fine. The most of his pain from his surgery was at the very least manageable and he spent a considerable time complaining that he and Chas refused to let him have any alcohol. Robert getting sick of the death glare from Aaron had threatened to make him drink nothing but alcohol free beer for the next year. He finally stopped whinging. After Aaron had come home from the hospital, it took Liv no more than two days to get back to how she usually was with him. It may sound strange but he was grateful. Liv's returning teenage mood and Aaron back in their room at night was what Robert needed to be fine again. 

He wasn't looking forward to tonight. Bonfire night had never really been his thing but Liv had been desperate to go and there was no way he was letting her go to any event involving the White's on her own. Aaron agreed to go somewhat reluctantly as well. They were about to leave when Aaron came up to him bundled up, per Chas's insistence. 

"Here take this" Aaron said pushing a hat at him. 

"I'm alright thanks"

"Robert don't be stupid it's freezing out there"

Liv comes whizzing by as equally wrapped up as Aaron. "It's just a hat! Hurry up we are going to miss it!"

40 minutes later *****************

He supposed it wasn't that bad. He felt on edge trying to make sure he was at least a foot away from Chrissie at all times. He wasn't in the mood to deal with her crap over Rebecca anymore. But the food was pretty good and the look on Aaron's face when he tasted the 'beer' had been worth it on its own. Well it was going well until Rebecca showed up and announced to everyone that Chrissie had framed Andy for the attempted murder of Lawrence. He had been so caught up in his anger at Rebecca that he didn't realise that he sought Aaron's hand when the fireworks started and that with every bang he squeezed his hand that little bit tighter. 

He was fine.

 

*******************************************************************************************************************************

It had been a very long week for him. He knew that Diane was upset that he hadn't told her the truth over Andy being framed but so far all she had done is prove him right for not. Between Diane's need for revenge and Rebecca trying once again to make a move he was exhausted. Why couldn't she get the message he was with Aaron! Did he have to get a plane and write a declaration of love in the air for him for her to get the message.

He came back to a strangely quiet house. Aaron must still be at the scrapyard and who knew where Liv was. He went upstairs hoping to grab a shower before relaxing in front of the telly, maybe a film. He grabbed his things from the bedroom before heading into the bathroom. He turned the shower on before he went to lock the door. He had quickly learnt that the Dingles, particularly Charity didn't mind whether or not you were in the shower, they will come in and use the toilet. Just as he was about to get in the shower started to play up. Great. Again. He sighed know that he wouldn’t be able to take a shower now. He really needed one though. It may be November but it was unseasonably warm. He knew he had no other choice. He would have to have a bath. He had never been a particularly fan of baths. Never seeing the appeal of lying in water, as it steadily got darker as it fills with the dirt from your body. Well he sees the appeal of baths when he shares with Aaron. He had more chance of getting a hug from Liv than him and Aaron having the opportunity for such antics. 

Reluctantly he starts to run the water for a bath. As he watches the water rises he can feel his body start to tense up. He shakes his head. He is being ridiculous. It is just a bath. He closes his eyes hoping that will help. He can feel the wait of memories fighting to be seen. He pushes them back. Everything was fine. He was just taking a bath for god's sake. After what felt like a lifetime the bath had filled. Robert wasted no time between stopping the taps and climbing in. He settled into the water. The heat of the water calming both his nerves and sore muscles. He released a shaky nervous laughter. See he was fine. He could do this. 

Eager not to spend more time in the water than was absolutely necessary he quickly started to clean himself. He was done within the minute. Yet when he thought about getting out he felt reluctant to do so. Now that he was in the water and he was relaxing for the first time in what felt like a month he didn't want to get out. The water was both his nightmare and his sanctuary. 

He let himself sit back, his chin resting on the water. He allowed himself to close his eyes. The feel of the tub against his head keeping him grounded. As he fell asleep, he was unaware that a power cut had occurred. 

Robert woke up feeling refreshed. It took his brain a minute to remember he was in the bath. The water had turned cold. How long had he been asleep? 

The room was pitch black, he should open his eyes. He frowned. His eyes were open. Why was it so dark? 

He began to panic, his breathing increasing. His arm reached out and hit against the window of the car. He needed to open the door. He had to wait though. The pressure needed to equalise first. He turned his head. _oh god Aaron _. The younger man was still unconscious. Oblivious to the situation they were in. He needed to wake him up.__

__"Aaron, Aaron, wake up!"_ _

__The younger man wasn't stirring. Oh god what if he is dead. Robert needed to get to him. He moved to undo his seat belt which luckily came loose immediately. He moved forward cupping Aaron's face._ _

__"Wake up, please wake up!"_ _

__The water was rising. They were going to drown. He started to shout for Aaron again. Trying everything he could to wake him. But nothing was working. He kept screaming until he couldn't breathe._ _

__

__The next thing he remembers is waking up on the bathroom floor. A towel had been placed over his naked body. His throat felt like he had swallowed glass. He felt weak, like he had been running for hours. He had no idea what was going on around him._ _

__Aaron's worried face swam in front of his eyes. _Aaron _. Memories of the car invaded his mind. He was alive. They were ok. So why was he on the floor? He made a move to sit up. He heard what sounded like three separate voices protest at the movement. He ignored them all. As he sat up the room spun a little as he refocused on the room. Aaron was kneeling beside him. A hand on his back supporting him. Chas was stood by the door, a look of concern on her face. Former Dr Bailey was sat on Robert's other side. He was checking his breathing. He started to ask him questions about how he felt. He gave short answers. He wanted them all gone, expect for Aaron of course.___ _

____It took another hour before Bailey left them. After he had helped Aaron move Robert, who was now in his dressing gown and a pair of boxers, down the stairs. Chas hovered for a further fifteen minutes. Though he was never sure if her concern was genuine or was for Aaron. Once they were alone they gravitated towards each other. Aaron hadn't spoken to him properly this entire time and he was starting to worry._ _ _ _

____As if reading his thoughts Aaron turned to him. "Are you okay. Really?"_ _ _ _

____Robert thought about it. He was on the verge of saying he was fine. But the words stuck in his throat. Visions of Aaron in the car swam in his mind. The panic of trying to free him. Thinking he was okay at the hospital before he flat-lined._ _ _ _

____"No, I'm not okay." He whispered, before breaking down in Aaron's arms._ _ _ _


	2. Seeking Help

It had been a week since the bathroom incident. Aaron was still keeping an eye on him. He may have thought he wasn't being obvious but he was. Don't get him wrong he appreciated the concern but he was starting to lose his temper. He had a minor panic attack. It was just unfortunate that he had been in the bath at the time. It was no big deal. Chas had filled him in later that night once a fretful Aaron had finally fallen asleep. 

Aaron had come home just before the power cut. He had been in their room getting changed when the lights cut out. He had heard Robert yelling out and had quickly gone to the bathroom door only to find it locked. He had been calling out trying to grab his attention to get him to unlock the door. When it became clear it wasn't going to happen he broke the door down. As the door broke open the lights came back on and Aaron was able to see him lying immobile in the bath tub. He had yelled at his mum to help get Robert out of the bath and to call an ambulance. Dr Bailey had been in the back room at the time and had followed Chas upstairs. Dr Bailey was able to get him breathing again. Luckily Robert hadn't swallowed any water. He managed to convince them an ambulance wasn’t necessary. Still not sure how he did that.

He was more concerned with how he little remembered of the event, than the actual event. He hadn't had a bath since. He couldn’t face it. He even went as far as paying for Ronnie to come in and fix the shower, much to Lawrence's dismay. Even Liv, who he could always count on to be rude to him was treating him nicely. He was growing tired of the kids gloves.

Determined to prove that he was okay, even after breaking down to Aaron. The next day, after a lot of protesting from Aaron, he was back at work. He could do this. It was easy. The scrapyard was freezing in the mid-November air. Adam was banging away taking apart the latest totalled car. Robert expected Aaron to show up at any moment and he wasn’t disappointed. He had barely been at the yard an hour when Aaron’s figure could be seen walking through the yard. Robert watched as he messed around with Adam.

Even now, watching Aaron mess around was a rarity. The younger man had had to face so much. Now seeing his fiancé so happy and carefree was bittersweet. He for once shouldered the bigger burden. Luckily, Aaron had no memory of being in the car in the lake. Robert would never forget that time. It was the first time he had ever seen Aaron so scared. It frightened him not because of the situation they had been in at the time but also because Aaron had never struck him as a man afraid of death. Maybe he hadn’t had anything to live for before? That thought alone made him want to cry. 

He had no wish to fill in the gaps in his memory. That’s why he needs to keep it together. 

After an hour at the yard they headed back to the pub for lunch. Adam grumbling about lack of staff at their retreating backs. The pub was semi full for a Thursday afternoon. Charity predictably was at the bar but not working while Chas was walking around with more urgency as the lunch rush was increasing. 

Robert and Aaron decided to bypass the pub and headed to Victoria to request food before heading into the backroom. It was then that Robert started to realise that Aaron was acting odd. 

“Are you ok, Aaron?” he asked softly. 

“I think I should be asking you that.” Aaron replied. Robert rolled his eyes. 

“I appreciate the concern Aaron but like I have already said, I am fine.” 

“But you’re not though are you. I know you haven’t been sleeping and even when you do I’m back to sleeping with kangaroo jack. My shins haven’t hurt this much in months. You kick in your sleep when you're agitated and before you say anything mum told me how upset you were at the hospital.”

“Of course, I was upset Aaron, you were in hospital, in surgery, we had just been in a car accident for god’s sake.”

“I know that! I just need you to talk to me Robert, something is bothering you and if you aren’t going to talk to me you need to talk to somebody.”

“What like a therapist?” Robert scoffed. 

“If it helps yes! I want you to be ok and not the putting on a fake smile kind that we are both so fond of.” He took a breath. “After everything that’s happened this year I have thought about seeing a therapist again.”

“Really?” asked Robert. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Because, I didn’t want the pressure of everyone knowing yet. I needed to make the decision on my own. I still haven’t made my mind up. But I know it can help Robert.” 

Aaron went quiet after that deciding to turn the telly on. He left Robert to his thoughts. He had never really considered therapy. It wasn’t something that Sugden’s did. He had his dad in his head as a teenager ranting when a teacher at school had suggested the counselling for them all after Sarah died. In his father’s words, only crazy people went to a therapist. He had grown a lot since then and knew his dads attitude towards it to be ridiculous. But a part of him still felt he would be letting him down if he went. That he wouldn’t be a Sugden. He wouldn’t admit it but the idea of talking to someone was pleasant. He was so used to keeping things to himself. Spending almost all the time feeling like he was ready to burst. Aaron was right. He wasn’t willing to talk to him, or Victoria or Diane so maybe a stranger was the perfect solution. 

The next morning, he woke up to an empty bed. Aaron had to get up early for a job. He could hear Liv getting ready for school in the background. Chas yelling up to her to get a move on. He rolled over, pulling the pillow over his head to block out the noise of the outside world. That was when he saw the leaflets on the bedside table. They hadn't been there last night. He reached out to grab them instantly knowing who had put them out and why. They were leaflets for local services. He breathed out a sigh. Was he really going to do this. He knew he was putting too much thought into this. He thought last night he had made the decision to do this but now staring at the number he felt as unsure as ever.  
He sat there, in bed, staring at the number that he had typed into his phone. It was just a phone call it wasn’t a long-time commitment. He’d go and they would probably tell him he is overacting and he would be sent away. He could survive one session while they humoured him. 

He pressed the call button.


	3. Taking the First Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, it has been so long since I updated this! I feel terrible. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also please ignore the fact that the therapist would probably call the police about half of Robert's life, he has an eventful and fairly criminal one bless him. 
> 
> the therapy is based off my very limited experience of it so it may not be 100% accurate.

Robert hated waiting rooms. The awkward atmosphere. Luckily there was only one other person waiting. A young girl, who was sat as far from him as possible, hopelessly looking at her phone as if she too was hoping that it would suddenly gain signal so she could use it. The silence dragged on, the only sound that could be heard was the ticking of the clock on the wall. He was definitely regretting getting here so early but he couldn't stand Aaron's fretting. 

After what felt like a year, a door opposite him opened and out came a man. "Robert Sugden?" the man looked at him smiling gently. 

Robert took a deep breath before standing up and following the man through the door. He was lead down a corridor to the room at the very end. It was a fairly small room, painted with light calm colours. There was no sofa for him to lay on, fixing that assumption of therapy out the window but there were two chairs facing each other in the centre of the room. He took the seat facing the window. The man sat down opposite him. 

"Hello Robert, my name is Dr Jack Hornby." they shook hands. "Now before we can properly talk we will have to do some housekeeping. Could you please fill out these forms." He handed Robert two sheets of paper. One of them was a sheet asking him what he would like to achieve at the sessions and the other was a mood rating sheet. He spent the next few minutes filling them out. He still didn't see much point in the mood sheets, what did writing a number in a box achieve?

"Excellent" Jack said cheerfully as Robert handed him the sheets back. "Ok, so Robert, can you explain to me why you brought you here today?"

"My life" Robert replied sarcastically. He could see the sigh that jack was trying to hide. 

"Ok" he said keeping his voice neutral. "How about we narrow it down to the last year?"

Robert nodded. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Four weeks ago, me and my fiance almost died in a car accident, 6 months before that my fiance faced his father in court because as a child his 'dad' had sexually abused him, which he told me about after he had almost died from septicaemia from cutting, I only noticed because he collapsed in the middle of running away from his home. And this time last year I was recovering from being shot in the chest, a shooting which my brother had organised."

He had said all of this in an almost worryingly flat tone. He looked at Dr Hornby, realising he hadn't spoken since Robert had stopped and saw he staring at him with his mouth open in an almost perfect o. The Dr coughed clearing his throat. "this was just the last year?" he almost whispered. 

Robert nodded, despite himself he was trying hard not to laugh at his reaction. The Dr took a few minutes to compose himself.

"Right, I can see Mr Sugden, we have a lot to talk about." his voice stronger now. "Lets begin."


	4. Dealing with the crash - Part One

“Why don’t we start with the most recent event. Would I be wrong in saying that this was the catalyst for you coming here today?” 

Robert nodded. “More to stop everyone giving me the look” 

“The look?” the Dr asked.

“The look of pity, a week ago, I had a moment, which of course got around the village I live in and now every time people look at me they have the pity look. I hate it. I don’t deserve it.” 

Dr Hornby was making notes as Robert spoke, he tried not to let it distract him. “Why don’t you think you deserve the pitying looks?”

“Because I’m pathetic, I can’t even stand to take a bath. I wasn’t the one stuck in that car. I know that’s what they were all thinking. Once again, because of me Aaron was injured.” 

“Aaron is your fiancé?” Dr Hornby clarified. 

“Yes” he replied, smiling for the first time since he had entered the room. 

“Were you driving the car?”

“No, Aaron was” he replied, he could almost see where this was going. 

“So, if you weren’t driving the car. Why was the accident your fault?”

“If it hadn’t been for me we never would have been in the car or on that bypass when the crash happened.” 

Dr Hornby paused in his note taking. “You were involved in the Hotten bypass crash?”

Robert sighed. Of course, he was already aware of it. He vaguely remembered Diane telling him about the press around the hospital and how they had been hoping to speak to anyone involved in the crash. Robert’s response had been more than colourful. 

He swallowed around the lump in his throat again. “Yes, we were the car that went off the road and into the reservoir.” He looked out of the window. He could feel the memories claw at the edge of his mind, demanding to be noticed. Robert cleared his throat. “It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives and yet it is one of the worst of mine. I’ve had some pretty horrific days.” 

“Why don’t you talk me through the day.” Requested Dr Hornby. 

Robert nodded, his gaze still fixed outside the window as he began to talk. “It started off perfectly, managed to get a bit of alone time.” He blushed, glancing towards the doctor, who seemed unfazed. Robert wondered whether it was genuine or if he just had a really good game face. 

“We were happy, content, just enjoying each other’s company. Well we were until Aaron noticed the clock and realised he was more than an hour late for work. Still didn’t stop him from taking a long bath though.” He chuckled. “After he left for work, I sprang into action, it was the day I planned to propose to him. My sister, knew what I was going to do and helped me plan it. Even called me a soppy romantic when she realised why I had chosen a barn to propose in.” 

The doctor’s eyebrows raised at that. “We started as an affair.” Explained Robert. “Kind of limited the locations to meet up.” The doctor nodded in understanding and gestured for Robert to continue. “I went to our joint work, and that’s when it started to go wrong. My ex-stepson overheard a conversation I’d had with his aunt and decided it would be a clever idea to threaten to lie to his counsellor that I had abused him. Unfortunately for him, Aaron overheard this and as you can imagine Aaron didn’t take it well. About an hour later, when we met up again, Aaron showed me said stepson in the boot of his car.” 

“We argued over how to handle the situation. We drove around for a bit and during one of the many arguments of the day, I ‘proposed’ to him. One minute we were talking, the next minute I’m yelling at Aaron to look at the road and the car is speeding off the road. If I hadn’t have been so stupid as to distract Aaron he never would have taken his eyes off the road. He would have seen the cars sooner.” 

Robert took a deep breath. His eyes had filled with tears. “Aaron doesn’t remember the crash.”

He stood up walking to the window, he needed to feel like he wasn’t inside a building. “The last thing he says he remembers is me shouting at him about asking him to marry him and then nothing.” He clenched his jaw, fighting to keep the tears in. “I’ve never seen him like that.” He paused. “Aaron is like no other person I have ever met. In good and bad ways. He has been through so much, everyone in the village has, it’s like a curse hangs over the place, why people decide to live there I’ll never understand. He never struck me as a person who fears death and yet in the car in the water. He was terrified. Rightfully so. I mean the nightmares of losing him are bad but as soon as I wake up, he is right there, alive. It’s the look in his eyes, the fear in his voice, him begging me to leave, to save myself, that keep me awake.” 

Dr Hornby takes a sip of water. “How much of your time in the water have you told Aaron about?”

“As little as I could.” Replied Robert. “Even if I hadn’t told him he would have worked some of it out because of his injuries. He was trapped under the steering wheel. It’s why he told me to leave. I couldn’t move it and the water level –“ his voice breaks, he takes a moment to compose himself. “the water level was rising. I still don’t know how I managed to get us out of there.” 

“But you did manage it.” Said Dr Hornby gently. Robert looked around at him. He was surprised to see no judgement in his eyes, no unspoken accusations. “What happened after you got Aaron out of the car?” 

“My brother-in-law was in the water looking for us. He swam over and helped me get Aaron to the shore, he was unconscious by this point. I performed CPR to get him breathing again as my sister got the paramedics to him. It was then I remembered that Lachlan was still in the boot, well I thought he was. I went to look for him but he wasn’t there, he had gotten out and just left us there to die.” He spat out, his fists clenched in anger. 

“When I came back up to the surface he was stood with a bunch of onlookers. My sister took me to the hospital, by the time I got there he had already been rushed into surgery. I hate hospitals. Just sat in the family knowing at any moment a nurse or a doctor could have walked through the door to tell me he had gone. I couldn’t take it, so I left and drove back to where the car was and got the engagement ring out of the car.” 

“you what?” the doctor asked, the shock on his face clear. Robert shrugged at him. The doctor seemed to be having trouble finding the right words. “You went back into the water, to get a ring?” 

“I know it wasn’t the sanest thing to do but that ring was so important, I couldn’t lose it. Anyway, I went back to the hospital, Aaron’s mum and sister were still sat there waiting for news. His mum actually comforted me.” He turned to lean against the window, facing the Dr. “We have a long history, never really got on but for the first time, I felt accepted by her. She could see how affected I was, how much like her I needed Aaron to be ok.”

Robert moved back to the chair he had barely sat in. “and he was, after what felt like an eternity we were taken to see him and when I saw him, it felt like I could breathe again.”

“How did you feel in the car? When it was in the water?” 

“I’ve already told you.” Robert said. 

“Not really you’ve told me how Aaron was scared and how Aaron’s reactions and situation have affected you but you haven’t told me how you felt.” 

Robert looked irritated but huffed before answering. “I was scared of course I was, I didn’t want to die. I must have hit my head when we went into the water because I lost consciousness. The panic I felt, when I woke up in a car that was steadily filling with water.” He stopped talking. He hated thinking about it, let alone talking about it. He was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn’t notice that his hands had started to shake as he spoke. 

“Ok Robert, I am afraid we are going to have to leave it there for today. You don’t have to take them but I am going to write you a prescription for anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills.” He scribbled on a piece of paper before handing it over to Robert. “I would also like you to start to write in a notebook about how you felt on the day of the crash. It doesn’t have to be greatly detailed, a few key words will do.”

Just like that the atmosphere for Robert had broken. He blinked up at the clock and saw that indeed their allotted time had ended ten minutes ago. He stood up and shook the doctors hand and thanked him for his time before he headed to reception to make a follow up appointment. As he drove back to the village, he felt different, not massively, he knew he had a long way to go but it felt nice to finally be able to talk about what had happened.

 

Robert walked into the backroom to find Aaron and Victoria sat at the kitchen table. They both turned at the sound of the door opening, the conversation stopping instantly when they saw who it was. 

“You were talking about me then.” Said Robert, stating the obvious. He had meant to say it light heartedly but could tell by their faces he hadn’t managed it. Still it didn’t stop Aaron from playing along.   
“Despite what you seem to think Robert, not everything is about you.” He said in a light teasing tone. Robert felt a rush of love towards his fiancé. “How was your meeting?” Aaron asked. 

“it was good.” Robert smiled. “We have a follow up meeting in a few days to hopefully sign the contracts so it’ll be another lunch meeting.” Aaron nodded. “Anyway, it’s been a long day, I’m going to go and have a lie down.”

Robert saw the look of worry flash across Aaron’s face. He didn’t say anything though, neither of them did. In their own ways, they were trying to move on from the recent events. The most important thing for Robert right now was sleep. Therapy had been more exhausting than he had anticipated.

As he got changed into sweat pants he took out the prescription for the medications and sighed. He would like to stop feeling anxious all the time but he couldn’t stop the voice in his head that said he didn’t need them. He went to chuck it in the bin but at the last minute changed his mind, he tucked it into his underwear draw, one of the only places Aaron wouldn’t look. The last thing he wanted to do was worry him and seeing that would do just that. 

He flopped onto the bed. For the first time in weeks, he felt comforted by the bed. 

Aaron came to check on him ten minutes later and was surprised to find him snoring slightly, spread out like a starfish, but most surprisingly his legs weren’t kicking out.


End file.
